Silencing the Voice of the Accuser

There are times when I feel the weight (pronounced "embarassment") of being called to be a misfit... called to care for misfits. I hear the old self-abusive/ self-destructive voices that say, "See... it's just like you feared. You are a 'misfit' in the church simply because you can't 'cut it' at this professional pastor thing."

But then I read (or actually have read to me by my Spiritual Director... Thanks, Jim) a passage like this from Scripture. "David left Gath and escaped to the cave of Adullam. When his brothers and his father's household heard about it, they went down to him there. All those who were in distress or in debt or discontented gathered around him, and he became their commander..." (1 Sam. 22:1-2)

That describes a bunch of misfits if there ever was one. And, I am comforted that one of the great heroes of our faith, King David, at one of the lowest points of his life (on the run from King Saul) was sought out by the distressed, debt-ridden and discontented. He was a misfit himself and he became their leader.

Maybe I'm not good enough, or smart enough, to be a professional pastor (Lord knows I've tried...) but in the end that is something for others to judge. It is not even relevant because the truth of the matter is that my calling is something different (and that is why I am a 'misfit' with the clergy-types). I need to remember who I am, not the role that I am expected to play. I need to remember David (and for that matter Jesus himself who was always going to the sorrowful, damaged, struggling, sinful... because, "it is the sick who need a doctor..."). And, I need to pray that the Lord will put Satan under my feet whenever he comes with those ridiculous accusations and distractions.

Some further reflections...

I wrote about a deep longing for the fulfillment of the ministry calling that the Lord has given us. It is like being stuck in time... frozen in "late winter"... with spring so close and yet so very far away.
But, even as I wrote those words, the Lord was stirring me to ask this question, "For what am I really longing in this 'late winter of the soul'?" Is this heart-ache really about the fulfillment of our ministry calling... or is there something deeper behind it?

Well... C.S. Lewis, in his allegory entitled "Pilgrim's Regress", says that our deepest longings, while seemingly related to something in this world, are in reality our heart's desire for God himself. We strive for what we believe will fulfill us (sometimes even things that are excellent and ennobling) but, even when we reach that "place" or attain that "thing", we find that we still want more. We find ourselves singing with Bono, "... I still haven't found what I'm looking for.".
And, the New Testament scholar N.T. Wright, In his book "Simply Christian", says that the universal human desires for things like justice, beauty, relationship and spirituality are really the "echoes of a voice". That voice is that of the Risen Savior and He is calling us toward his Kingdom.
Our problem is that when we experience these desires and longings, and go about seeking fulfillment in the "things" that are found in this world (many of which are perfectly great... and worthy of our desires), we usually give up the search to soon. We need to recognize that they are really hints and dreams and shadows and echoes of the One for whom our hearts truly and deeply ache. In this sense, being a hedonist is actually a good thing... but only if we refuse to settle for less than the true pleasure that is ours in Christ.
"The whole creation is groaning as in the pains of child birth and we too groan as we await the redemption of our bodies (resurrection and the commencement of the New Creation that will come in Christ at his return)." Romans 8